Characters!

JOHN FRANCIS KOSSLER

AGE: 23
SUN SIGN: Pisces
STATED RELIGION: Roman Catholic
ACTUAL RELIGION: Agnostic
STATED FAVORITE MOVIE: Apocalypse Now
ACTUAL FAVORITE MOVIE: Moulin Rouge
HOMETOWN: Williamsville, NY
OCCUPATION: Smokethrall at the Caterpillar Hookah Lounge.
FUN FACT: Won a couple of awards for playwriting in high school, still claims to be an "accomplished playwright."
FIRST APPEARANCE: #1- The Mean One's Name is Yorick!

The following appears in the "About Me" section of John's OKCupid profile:

There's really not a lot to say about me, I guess. I'm here looking for new friends, maybe for something to develop into a relationship later on...  you know, whatever. ;)
I guess the first thing people notice about me is how nice I am, but I really hate the idea of  "nice guys," you know? To me, they're just guys who fall in love with their female friends but don't have the cojones to ask them out and then think poorly of them when they end up going out with other guys. I'm not like that- kindness and decency are really important to me and that's not going to change anytime soon!
I'm into a lot of things- I've done stand-up comedy, I'm trying to develop my artistic skills, I play bass and I'm an accomplished playwright and a frustrated novelist. But I started a webcomic this week! Check it out: wordwearycomic.blogspot.com.
So, if you're an intelligent, caring woman who's looking for a GENUINELY nice guy, send me a message!

ELIENNE MARIE COLLINS

NICKNAME: Elly
NUMBER OF SEXUAL PARTNERS: 5
FAVORITE DRINK: Anything with Jagermeister.
TATTOOS: Black flame on right ribcage.
FAVORITE BOOK: The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon.
HOMETOWN: Lansing, MI
OCCUPATION: Waitress at The Abbey Restaurant.
FUN FACT: Thinks Pink Floyd is overrated, afraid to tell anyone because of possible backlash.
FIRST APPEARANCE: #10- Based on a Horrifying True Story.

The following is a letter written by Harry Byrnewald, dated 15 April 2010.

Dear Elly,

I couldn't believe it when you said no one had written you a love letter. What the hell!? You're an amazing girl and amazing girls DESERVE love letters, right? So I decided to take it upon myself to rectify the situation and write your first!
The other day you asked me how anyone could find you attractive. I know we've only been dating a month now, but I think I can venture a guess: just knowing you for as little as I have, I can already see how smart you are, how funny you are. I love hanging out with you, you're the only girl who can ever really make me laugh. More than all those, though, is how I can see how hard you try to be a good person. I don't know many people like that so... I don't know how you can't see how special you are.
I know you're not really into indie music like I am, but you should listen to "Laundry Room" by The Avett Brothers or "Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop" by Landon Pigg. They kind of sum up how I feel about you!

Deeply and Sincerely,
Harry.

GRACE ESPERANZA GOMEZ-GONZALEZ

AGE: 24
HIGHEST LEVEL OF EDUCATION COMPLETED: B.A., Radio, Television and Film, St. John of God College.
HONORS SOCIETIES: Delta Epsilon Sigma, Phi Beta Kappa, Golden Key
GPA: 3.9
GOOD IT'S DONE HER: Not a Goddamn bit.
AMOUNT TAKEN OUT IN STUDENT LOANS: $41,192.34
AMOUNT PAID BACK: $1,100.00
YEAR STUDENT LOANS WILL BE PAID OFF: 2036
HOMETOWNS: Hialeah, FL and Somerville, MA
OCCUPATION: Delivery driver at Checker's Pizza.
FUN FACT: Still wants to be a Spice Girl.
FIRST APPEARANCE: #21- Low Blow.

The following was posted to Grace's blog on February 26, 2011 at 11:16pm:

Hey, everyone who's still reading. I know it's been a while since I posted on this thing, but whatever. It's not like anyone actually reads it anyway.
I really wanted this blog to be different from most of the other banal shit I see on the internet. People bitching about their shitty lives, talking about how much they love their husband and brand new baby. Same old shit. I thought I'd be able to make a really interesting blog, about animation, art, politics, music and books- anything and everything I wanted to write, I would. I'm not going to bullshit you guys, all three of you out there reading this: I've sort of given up on that idea. I'm fucking empty inside right now.
I've been feeling this way for a while now, I think. Empty. I spent nearly $200 getting myself a copy of Adobe Flash so I could do a little animating of my own, but I've got nothing in me to say or to show. It's just sitting there installed in the desktop I only use to surf the internet mindlessly hoping for inspiration. Every day I log in here hoping I'll be able to write something funny and interesting, but I just can't.
I really don't care about animation or art or anything right now. I just watch the same things over and over again.
What can I say about music? I've had the same album playing on my Mp3 player on repeat for the last week.
Fuck politics. Why should I give a shit about taxes or gay marriage or anything when all I really want is to have my friends move back?
I'm really sick of feeling this way. I need new friends in my life. There's a new girl at the place I work. She's sweet, really fucking nerdy, but I guess I am too in my own way. When I get up the energy, I'll ask her to hang out with me at the bar or something. Could be fun.

I really miss my friends.

Adios,
Grace.

HAROLD HOBBES BYRNEWALD

AGE: 25
NICKNAME: Harry the Hipster
FAVORITE AUTHOR: David Foster Wallace
NUMBER OF DAVID FOSTER WALLACE BOOKS READ: 1/2
MOST READ AUTHOR: Robert Jordan
STATED FAVORITE ALBUM: C'mon, Feel the Illinoise! by Sufjan Stevens.
ACTUAL FAVORITE ALBUM: Meteora by Linkin Park.
HOMETOWN: Three Waters, NY
OCCUPATION: Saboteur.
FUN FACT: Douche.
FIRST APPEARANCE: #9- Bro, Interrupted.

The following appears in Harry's "Song Journal," dated 15 April 2010:

"A Song for My Ginger" 
by Harry Burn

Chord Progression: G7, A, C

I've been dating a girl/
For all of last March./
I want her so bad/
And my body is parched.

She may like to drink/
An occasional binger,/
She may like to yell,/
But still she's my ginger!

I've been keeping my cool/
Done all I can do./
But I thirst for her touch/
'Cause my balls are both blue.

I've been waiting too long/
A few weeks now or so./
I've made her my girlfriend/
She's made me her beau./
I'll write her a song/
So that she can know./
If I don't get some pussy,/
I'm liable to blow.

I don't know how to get her/
Maybe write her a letter./
Don't wanna upset her/
But I wanna wet her/
There would be nothing better/
Than getting to get her/
God, oh fucking God/
I just wanna get her.
(Breakdown/guitar solo.)

(Refrain.)
I've got some petroleum jelly/
To put my dick where it's smelly/
I wanna ride bareback/
So I'll cum on her belly/
Then we'll put on the telly/
And watch Regis and Kelly/
God, oh fucking God./
I just wanna fuck Elly.
Yeah, God, oh fucking God,/
I just wanna fuck Elly.

Elly.

JASON CHURCH KIRKWOOD

AGE: 25
CHINESE ZODIAC: Tiger
DOESN'T GET ALONG WELL WITH: Snake, Monkey
STATED LITERARY HERO: Virginia Woolf
ACTUAL LITERARY HERO: Jason Kirkwood
ALSO KNOWN AS: V.J. Kirkwood, Miles Kirkwood, Lord Dragon Kirkwood, Viktor Orrin Korvachs Kirkwood Kent, General Belissimo Kratze.
FAVORITE POPE: Urban II.
HOMETOWN: Mt. Pleasant, IA
OCCUPATION: Self-employed.
FUN FACT: Thinks the song, "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon is about him.
FIRST APPEARANCE: #2- You Can Tell She's a Girl Because her Arms Come from her Shoulder and not her Clavicle. So there would be Room for her Boobs.

The following is an except from the transcript of the acceptance speech Jason Kirkwood delivered at the Hilton San Diego Airport/Harbor Island hotel convention center after receiving the Judy Blume Award, 30 July 2009:

Children today face a much greater challenge than they ever have in generations previous. But unlike many people, I'm not going to charge video games, violent movies or oversexualized media as the most insidious threat to our young people's development. No, I place the blame squarely on us, where it belongs!
We who allowed a culture of mediocrity to develop! We who allowed banal, trite books like Twilight, The Hunger Games and Jude the Obscure to capture the imaginations of our children's minds! These books cannot, should not find their way into the hands of young people, whose minds have yet to form a clear distinction between high art and absolute crap! Imagine a world where more people are familiar with the adventures of Bella, the vampire fellator, than with Flush, the cocker spaniel! Imagine a few years from now when your children enter the adult world and the most challenging books they've read are An Unending Series of Unfortunate Events or The Catcher in the Rye? Is that a world you want to live in?!
Frankly, presenting me with the Judy Blume Award for Outstanding Young Adult Fiction is a triumphant blow against the phillistine hoardes clogging our bookshelves with their insipid bullshit. Giving me this honor is a rejection of mediocrity! It should be seen by my fellow children's book authors as a call-to-arms against the commonplace!
But NO. I know as well as everyone else here that because I try to make my children's books CHALLENGING, with references to specific historical events, Shakespere and the Bible, that the shit peddlers writing mindless crap are going to be infinitely more popular than I ever will be because they're willing to stoop to the level of the lowest common denominator and I'm not. Here, I'll prove it: You there, little kid, what's your favorite book?
(Inaudible.)
That shit? What the hell, how are you not in Child Protective Care? You, lady with the big juggs, you're his mom?
(Inaudible.)
The fuck you doing to this kid's brain, letting him read shit like that?
(Inaudible yelling.)
Cool your jets, Mom, this is between me and Junior here. Kid, the next time someone asks "what's your favorite book," you say Eliza Scrim and the Magic Rainbow by Jason Kirkwood. Alright?
(Inaudible.)
The fuck you mean "you haven't read my book." You're like, seven, what the fuck else do you have to do with your day?
(Audience yelling. Woman yells "get him off the stage!" Man yells "take the award back!" Sound of footsteps approaching.)
Don't you fucking touch me! You can't tell me to get off the stage, I'm an award-winning author, motherfucker! Who the fuck are you to- Get your hands off me, Lurch! Fuck!
(Expletives, audience cheering.)
FUCK YOU ALL!

LILLITH MARIE VANDENHEUVEL

 

AGE: 21
STRENGTH: 9 (-1)
DEXTERITY: 14 (+2)
CONSTITUTION: 12 (+1)
INTELLIGENCE: 11 (+0)
WISDOM: 12 (+1)
CHARISMA: 16 (+3)
HOMETOWN: Sunnyside, NY
OCCUPATION: Delivery driver at Checkers' Pizza, Adventurer.
FUN FACT: Thinks monks have the most damage-dealing potential of all core classes.
FIRST APPEARANCE: #16- +1 Shortsword.

The following appears on the Giant in the Playground forums as the fourth post in a thread entitled "Campaign Journal for Gallahandra Galena, Orc Monk," posted 19 December 2010 at 1:03am:

We hit level six after defeating the Bugbears of Bugbear Grove last week. As we press forward to the Cold Northlands to defeat the Snow Lich, I worry that soon we'll hit upon the Orc encampment at Orc Pass. I haven't seen another of my kind since I was taken to the human lands as a young girl. I wonder if my parents will even recognize me.
As a monk I have divorced myself from the Orcish ways, though I still wear a fox tail as a reminder of my people's wild ways. But we are headed deeper into the untamed world as we press forward. Will my brutish nature come back to surface as we continue?
Tonight we fought the Bugbear's totem god resting and feeding deep in the Bugbear Mountain. The beast was a magic serpent (Constrictor Snake, giant, with homebrewed template), though the battle was brief. I won initiative, though my raging Flurry of Blows failed to affect the monster (its AC had to have been at least 20!), Barthandelus, the dwarf wizard, simply put the serpent to sleep with Deep Slumber and Goku, the human cleric, smashed its head open with a Divine Might-assisted coup-de-grace.
Shortly after the creature's head *magically* mended itself and it reared its terrible might again. (Honestly, our dungeon master threw a fit and declared that the battle was "too fucking easy for you assholes" and said we had to fight it again "but for real this time"). This time Saruman, the gnome druid, just cast Charm Animal and the Serpent God became an enthusiastic member of our party. Barthandelus, Goku and Saruman laughed and said "at least we have someone who can fight melee now."

My mighty Orcish feelings were hurt.
 

NICOLAE NICOLAEVICH TROTMANN

AGE: 26
STATED NICKNAME: Nick.
ACTUAL NICKNAME: Poor Trotmann.
NUMBER OF SEXUAL PARTNERS: 1 (2 if handjobs count).
BIRTHPLACE: Volyn Oblast, Ukrainian SSR.
LANGUAGES SPOKEN: English (fluent), Ukrainian (fluent, out of practice), Russian (nearly fluent), German (good enough).
MASTER'S THESIS: Alexander Blok and his Influences on Anti-Government Sentiment During the Glasnost Years.
RECEPTION OF ABOVE THESIS: Overwhelmingly positive. 
HIGHEST LEVEL OF EDUCATION COMPLETED: B.A., History, Occidental College
HOMETOWN: Davis, CA
OCCUPATION: Pizza maker at Checker's Pizza.
FUN FACT: Handjobs don't count.
FIRST APPEARANCE: #31- Exposition Much?

The following occurred at The Giraffe Comedy Club amateur night, 1 October 2010:

TROTMANN. Um... hi, everyone, my name is, uh, Nick and this is my first time performing stand-up comedy and-
AUDIENCE MEMBER. Obviously!
TROTMANN. So if I, um, seem a little nervous, you know... that's- that's why. So, how's everyone feeling tonight?
AUDIENCE MEMBER. Not drunk enough!
(Hooting and hollering.)
TROTMANN. That's good, then you should, you know, um- drink more. So, um, have you guys ever noticed how- um, those Axe commercials. Have you ever seen those? So I went out and bought some Axe because- if you've seen them, the uh- loser guys-
AUDIENCE MEMBER. Like you?
AUDIENCE MEMBER. That was the punchline, wasn't it?
TROTMANN. Um- how- uh- how about all that snow we got the other day? It was- um... nine inches, wasn't it?
AUDIENCE MEMBER. We live in New York, dude! What do you expect?
TROTMANN. Yeah, I thought it was surprising since, um- you know, we got nine inches. And, that was, um, unexpected since, uh, snow's white.
(Silence.)
AUDIENCE MEMBER. Get off the stage!
TROTMANN. ...okay...
AUDIENCE MEMBER. Yeah, that's right! Woo!
BARTENDER. Hey, buddy, you heckle one more of the fucking comics here and all their drinks are going on your tab, alright? You've been fucking warned.
AUDIENCE MEMBER. You can't talk to me like that, asshole! I'm an award-winning author!



SAMUEL GREGORY KIRKWOOD
 
 

AGE: 22
HIGHEST LEVEL OF EDUCATION COMPLETED: H.S. Diploma, Davenport West High School
WORK EXPERIENCE: Night staff, Quad City Times Newspaper, Davenport, IA, 2005-2006
Server, Pancake House, Saratoga Springs, NY, 2007-2010
Night Manager, Pancake House, Hoosic Falls, NY, 2010-present
PROFESSIONAL SKILLS: MS Word, MS Excel
SKILL LEVELS: Excellent
HOBBIES: Guitar, video games, writing.
PROFESSIONAL REFERENCES: Available upon request.
HOMETOWN: Mt. Pleasant, IA
OCCUPATION: Night manager, Pancake House
FUN FACT: Whack-a-Mole champ at the Davenport Fun Zone for three straight years.
FIRST APPEARANCE: #5- Fear and Trembling in Las Vegas.
 
The following appears on Sam's performance evaluation, filled out by Lee Pei on 31 January, 2011:

Overall Samuel's performance is well above average. His customer service is above par and his resolving of employee disputes is unimpeachable. He has a future working at Pancake House and I have no doubt he will be my boss one day.
I do worry about his resolve, however. I don't believe he has the constitution required to be a night manager. When I arrive to relieve him for the morning, his eyes seem puffy as if from crying. Employees tell me often he can be heard in the men's room softly weeping.
Working at Pancake House is a difficult task fraught with anxiety and stresses of all sizes and sorts. But I cannot think of a more rewarding occupation. It took me very little time to realize this great truth but Sam is young and brash. Will he see the nobility of his position as I have? Or will he give into despair and anxiety like so many other members of his generation?

-L. M. Pei

YORICK IOTORUS KINGSLEY

AGE: 23
FIRST KISS: Fuck you, John, I'm not answering any of your fucking questions.
FAVORITE COLOR: Fuck you.
FAVORITE MOVIE: Fuck you too, Electric Boogaloo.
FAVORITE SONG: "Fuck You" by Fucklestien and the Fuck Brothers.
FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW: Fuck you, the complete series, now on DVD.
FAVORITE EUROPEAN WAR: The Hundred Years' Fuck You.
BEST FRIEND: Fuck you.
FUCK YOU: Same to you and more of it.
ACTUAL MIDDLE NAME: Not Iotorus, but Iotorus is cooler than his real one, so I'm putting it here anyway.
HOMETOWN: Fuckyoutowaga, NY. (It's actually West Seneca, NY)
OCCUPATION: Auteur, "You" Fucker. I "fuck you" professionally.
FUN FACT: Doesn't think Frasier is as good as he remembers it.
FIRST APPEARANCE: Fuck Frasier.

The following appeared in the Three Waters Gazette, 2 February 2010, VOL. CXLIX, NO. 181:

Local artist brings performance art to Saratoga County
by Harris Clement

The lights dim on the Iceman Theatre in Old Towne and the audience breathes a collected sigh of relief. Though the performance they have all gathered to see was scheduled to begin at 9:00, it is now 10:10 and they have become restless.
Few people have left and the audience is nearly intact. The buzz surrounding this performance has been steadily inching towards fever pitch since it opened last weekend and the people who have remained seated don't want to miss the chance to see it, no matter how long they have to wait. Comments on Facebook and Tweets about the show have all echo the same sentiment: "This show is amazing. If you can stomach Kingsley's antics, you won't be disappointed!"
Yorick Kinglsey, a young man with light brown hair and a cupid's bow mouth, walks onto a bare stage and, after introducing himself, disrobes immediately. Stagehands wheel out a set of timpanies and Kingsley begins playing them with a certain part of his anatomy while directing obscenities and curses at various members of the audience. His victims seems deeply hurt- somehow he has tapped into their deepest insecurities, even from the far vantage point of the stage.
The show cannot be accurately described with words; the experience is akin to a mother describing the sensation of childbirth to her husband- it's so foreign, so impossible to convey that people who haven't seen the show can be properly prepared for it no matter how much their friends try. As part of his agreement to allow me to review his show, Kingsley asked that I do my best not to reveal what happens during the show, but one moment struck me as truly awe-inspiring: About halfway through the act, Kingley asked that everyone wearing glasses to surrender them to stagehands walking about the audience. When all the eyepieces had been collected, Kinglsey began throwing them violently to the ground, smashing the ones that survived the fall with his foot. Once they were all broken, Kinglsey dropped to his hands and knees and crawled through the wreckage, the scathing broken glass and sharp metal frames.
"Moo!" he roared, tears filling his eyes both from the pain and from the intense emotions he was experiencing.
"I said fucking 'moo' with me!"
The audience capitulated and began mooing with him. It was an odd sight, terrifying to behold. A naked man crawling through broken glass while 500 or so people imitated cows with him.
"'Moo' like you fucking mean it," Kinglsey yelled between tears. "'Moo' like your life fucking matters!"
When the performance ended and the house lights came back up, I looked around me at my fellow patrons. Some were crying, others visibly shaking. A few bowed their heads and covered their ears, trying to shut out the world around them. People stood and left slowly, some dressing after they had removed their clothes in transcendent ecstasy. No one sitting in the Iceman Theatre that night walked away unaffected.
Kinglsey doesn't sign autographs or meet with fans after his performances.
"It takes a good night's sleep to really absorb the show," Kingsley said in a phone interview. "The audience isn't in a good place right away. They need time for it all to set in. Once  they do, though..."
Kingsley paused for effect.
"Once they do they'll see the world differently. I'm not really a performance artist. I'm a healer. A spiritualist. Oh, also, if you're reading this, John Kossler: you're a fat, bald piece of shit and you're taking up space that could be better used for literally any other purpose. Stop being so selfish and just kill yourself already."
Kinglsey's performances run nightly at 9:00 pm at the Iceman Theatre.